an open letter...

dear producers and casting directors of harry potter and the half-blood prince,

i saw that you're holding a casting call for the role of lavender brown (aka, ron weasley's first girlfriend). however, i noticed that there is a request that the girls be between the ages of 15-18. may i remind you of a little thing called "discrimination"? i don't know how it works in the UK, but here in the states, we frown upon that crap. and may i remind you that it's called acting? i mean, some of america's biggest tv shows have had 30 and 40 year olds playing teenagers (90210 ring a bell?). i'm not even 27 yet, so i can most definitely look like an 18 year old.

also, i realize there aren't many (if any) hispanic brits that exist, but why not start with the role of lavender brown. would it help if i got jk rowling to sign off on it?

what do i have to do here to get my big break? oh also, if you could fly me out to london so that i can attend said casting call at the earls court exhibition center, that would be most helpful. and accomodations at the ritz-carlton would be nice.

cheers,
i heart jim halpert

casting call: desperate women wanted to bare all (emotionally and clothing wise)

tired of the local bar scene? can't meet a nice guy at church? did you not meet that man of your dreams at that sexaholics anonymous meeting? fear no more! abc's dating franchise, the bachelor, is casting for it's 11th (!) season.

if you live in austin, chicago, new york, los angeles, atlanta, or nashville, and are available between may 6th and may 22nd, you should maybe check out one of the open casting calls.

i will admit to having watched than more of my fair share of episodes. but i have to say i don't understand why these women would feel like going on this show could honestly work. first of all, the show is in it's 10th season. of those previous nine bachelors, i think maybe ONE of them is still with their significant other. MAYBE two. and from the two previous bachelorettes, one is married, the other relationship was dissolved like an alka-seltzer in water.

so again, why go on tv? IF you make it to the final cut of 25 women, you still have only a 4% chance of actually getting the guy in the end. i just don't see why if you were willing to do something like this, you wouldn't feel more comfortable creating a personal ad on match.com or jdate or something. i have to imagine the odds on dating sites are greater than 4%. but who knows. i live in new york city and am single. hmmm....where are those casting calls again?

for those of you that decide to go to said casting calls or fill out the application, here are a few pointers:

1) as of the last few seasons, there seems to be one virgin in the bunch. so if you've been wearing a chastity belt all your life, you've got something that most women over the age of 18 don't. kudos. not to mention, guys like the idea of a virgin for some reason. either that or they're completely terrified that you'll obsess over the idea of marriage before having sex. but you're on a show where the goal is to get married, so i think you're safe in that department.

2) being a raging alcoholic makes for great tv. during those "getting to know" each other premiere episodes, there's always the girl that has too much to drink and falls or breaks something. i'm sure if you mentioned you've attended an aa meeting or two, you are ahead of the game.

3) obsess over marriage! and babies! there's always one crazy girl that feels like she is god's gift to men and has no idea why she is still single! she seems to ignore the fact that her constant talking about wanting to get married and having babies might scare guys away.

4) oh, it helps if you're white.

so there you have it. what are you waiting for. start making that home video to send in to the casting directors!